A Personal Story

I remember the time i spent 3 months in a mental institution. I had a nervous break down due to the the abuse i suffered from my ex we'll call Carl.

We had been fighting often. I was accusing him of cheating on me with other women. He denied it but in my heart i knew. And i apologize if he wesnt',. Anywyas , in retaliation to my accusations he  smothered me with a pillow and stuffed a rag in my mouth. I thought i was surley gonna die. I couldn't breath. I foufght like a muther fucker and he finally let me go. I passed out for about 3 minutes due to lack of oxygen,. I asked him why he didn't just slit my throat if he wanted to kill me and he said he didn't like blood.

I cried and cried for my momma. I cried cuz he wanted to kill me.

Little did i know that time i was sufereing form the early symptoms of paranoid skitzophrenia.. ( Now if u don't know what that is it's where u hear voices have racing thoughts and suffer from delusions. It was not fun. Every day and nite i was sure someone was going to break into the apartment and kill me. or rape me..

The fighting and abuse didn't stooop there. He would beat me so bad that i saw stars. he actually did UFC like ch hold on me so i couldn't breath. He had a thing for putting is hands over my nose and mouth so i couldn't take a breath, I hated that feeling and fought back. i finally started fighting back and that scared him. He thought i was gonna kill him and i had good reason.ole

A few days later i ahd a nervous breakdown and begged the hospital to take me in. I told them i was hearing things like laughing when i was all alone and i heard my mothers voice. No one was around. so i was obviously hearing things. The hospital said to get down there immediately. They made me sign a contract stating i would stay for at least 3 months or until i was better.

I was suffereing from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of the attempts at my life.

I was so paranoid i thought he was poisoning me. That made the doctors think i w was crazy but im sure he was.

I have been dealing with paranoid skitzophrenia now for about 6 years. It's a disease that's rarley talked about and is hard for outsiders to understand. I still hear things and am still very paranoid.. I almost always look over my shoulder and always think someones going to break into my house and kill me. Its from the voilent life i've lived since i was a child. I don't trust anyone. Just my few close friends that are so far away. They give me great support and i love them very much.

My skitzophrenia is well managed i'm on heavy medications to deal with the racing thoughts and voices..


Being 30 years old i'm much more kind, less shy and withdrawn. I don't consider myself a peice of shit anymore;I'm a very spec ail person with a huge heart.  I've grown to handle my disease and i've grown to handle the things i cannot change and meet head on the things i can.

I make it a point everyday to walk out of my house and give someone a smile..even if they dont smile back.

I've also found GOD and i know he loves me and u too.i know he has a great plan for my life and maybethis is itl. Reaching out to hurt people. I know what it's like to hurt,..i know inner pain. i know adversity. I'm much stronger than i used to be.. I'm begininning to take care of myself and love myself. U can't expect someone to love u of u don't love u.

If anyone else is hurting or suffereing please fee free to talk to me. Know that u are not alone and be thankful for what u DO have and the people that love u. U don't need a significant other to love u to have any self worth. It's ok to be alone.

You are never completely alone. YOu have me . :)